The Big Question: What if Mom was Right?

Around the time I got kicked out of Sunday School for asking too many questions, I decided I’d have to answer them for myself by trying out other brands than the Southern Baptist variety.

During my early teen years of searching and angst, desperately trying to find even a partial answer to my mental confusion, I turned to my mother. Why are we here? What’s the point? I asked.

She looked at me with such sympathy and kindness. “Maybe you ask too many questions,” she said. “I just accept things, and I’m pretty happy.”

My friends said essentially the same thing as my turmoil turned to depression. I kept looking, convinced I’d find a more satisfying answer, that other people must know something that I didn’t. Seek and ye shall find. The words bubbled up from somewhere.

So I became a seeker. My senior year, desperate, I picked up The Religions of Man, by Huston Smith. I had found my manual.

Philosophy classes followed in college, featuring Existential Ennui 101. Then came a life-long fascination with the concepts and practices of world faiths, which offered snapshots of the truth and stories to back them up. Eventually these same questions led to more and more study of archetypes and mythology and contemplative practices. I learned to meditate and crossed paths with Vipassana, or mindfulness. I began to hear a few subtle answers at last, as I listened, and the Search was still on.

No matter what showed up on the mystical path, what I continued to notice is that the mind just kept cooking up new questions that could not be meditated away. Or medicated, for that matter. (I had already given that a good try in my twenties)

Thirty years of seeking later, I fell in love with inquiry when I discovered that some of the thoughts that present themselves simply want to be understood…not in the mind, but in the heart.

Now my business required asking questions of my clients. So much for my mother’s advice! I became deeply committed to this process, sometimes called the Great Undoing. During the past decade, I’ve questioned the thoughts of hundreds of people, if not thousands. Almost without fail, I’ve witnessed the radical freedom that comes as the old personal religions are questioned one by one. I also continue to notice for myself how much suffering is relieved when I stop believing those stale old refrains.

And what I’ve noticed is that new refrains still come all day long, like piped Muzak in the brain. The idea of bringing each of them up for inquiry can be (just perhaps) a bit overwhelming.

Which led to a new question. The big question. The scary question.

What if my mother was right?

What if I DO ask too many questions? The more questions I’ve asked, the more I’ve come to see that there is a mind below the mind that is just fine. All the muzak of random thoughts firing away can drown it out, but at a deep level, there’s an internal Knowing that is deep and true and beyond questions because it is at the root of being. And it would be asking one too many questions to inquire into the reality of that voice.

Holy Fear

What if fear is holy?

This thought came to me as I was overtaken by a recent trance of believing that I’m somehow not enough. I know this cluster of “lizard fears” intimately.

I’m not good enough. Or there’s simply not enough (goodness or happiness or pistachios, for that matter). And I do know these as big fat lies when I catch them. But circumstances can trigger the old dominant “lack and attack” beliefs (as Martha Beck calls them) and give the reptilian brain power.

I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time petting my lizard, naming my lizard, giving it a cozy place to take a break so it can leave me alone. But I’ve long suspected that there’s another understanding that is possible about fear and anxiety.  Anxiety has been my companion, off and on, for most of my life. It has brought me to my knees and taught me to surrender to deepening change.  Most of the risks I’ve taken, inside and out, have involved a dance, if not a tango, with fear. But my anxiety usually feels more like a mammal (say, a sabertooth tiger) than a lizard. A worthy opponent, a Big Force to be reckoned with, rather than a pet to be calmed.

So I was lit up when I discovered a different description of fear by contemporary rabbi Alan Lew. According to him there are two words for fear. One is  pashad, an over-reactive and irrational fear (or lizard brain fear, in today’s parlance). And then, according to Lew, there’s a second word that’s used in the Old Testament: yirah. This is sometimes defined as the feeling we have when we’re standing on holy ground. THIS, I thought, is that other thing, the anxiety I often feel when I’m drawn to do something bigger or scarier than my current way of living in the world, a new word to describe that familiar gut-crunch deep inside when I’m called to take risks that demand that I open up to being a bigger presence in the world. Avoiding yirah would mean that I’d limit myself from taking the next leap and arriving more fully at some unseen potential.

Since I came across this new definition I’ve been noticing I can let the anxiety simply be there. There’s something calming and strengthening when I have respect for this state of being that was first named more than 2,000-years ago. When I notice that I’m having that yirah feeling, I’ve found out that I can choose to do the thing anyway and see what happens. So far it hasn’t been terminal. Good to know.

To quote Tara Mohr, author of Playing Big, “when any of us are stepping into our real voices, our true aspirations for our life, we feel yirah. And it can feel a bit uncomfortable because it is that tingling, high-energy, out-of-our-comfort-zone sensation.”  This is not necessarily a trigger that leads directly to panic.

Instead, it’s an invitation to get acquainted with the signals that come from a step into your deeper calling. It’s an opportunity to drop into the Self that is beyond the ego. Its voice may be almost indecipherable now, but that “still, small voice,” accompanied by a soupcon of anxiety, can become your new BFF. The very one that will guide you to your best life. See what you think.

What Does Life Want to Make of You?

“Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am.” Parker Palmer, Letting Your Life Speak.

Since one of my (somewhat) official titles is Master Life Coach, I talk to people pretty often who ask for help making something of their lives.  They want an advisor, strategist, and a wrangler to help them get this unwieldy thing called Life back in control. At the very least, they’d like a lasso to round it up a bit. Nothing wrong with that approach, except the fact that Life usually has its own way with us when we’re fighting it. This is the source of abundant stress.

Sometimes asking the question what do I want to make of my life?  is just the thing. There’s nothing like awakening to the awareness that how I live this life is largely my choice. There’s a beauty and strength in being dynamic and focused in your relationship with life. In paying attention to the internal navigational system that tells you what is true for you and then acting on this understanding with integrity. In standing tall and owning the confidence to walk out the door and be yourself  in the best way. It’s a fine thing to find that strong spine and live upright in the world .

But there comes a time when asking what I’ll make of life is the wrong question. When the person who is asking the question is not the person who you are becoming. She still believes that the path of happiness lies in the successes of the past or the people around her.

Sometimes we just don’t know the right question to ask, much less the answer. And then we pretend. This can be a very lonely and anxious state. But this is an important and pregnant time. Because Life, at that very moment, is trying to speak. If we don’t have a lot of experience listening, this can be very confusing. We can learn to manage our anxiety through various helpful techniques. But underneath that, there’s a beckoning, a barely discernible direction.

Most of us in this modern world of stimulus and response aren’t very skilled at giving this voice a good listen. But this hasn’t always been the case. When I studied Spiritual Direction, I discovered the world of Ignatian spirituality. I’m not of the Catholic persuasion, and this is a very solid practice from that tradition (more at There are many things I love about the inner work of this practice. Most important for me has been the awareness of how my life speaks. Or in Ignatian terms, how God speaks in my life.

It’s a process of beginning to grasp what Life wants from me. The access to those answers comes from asking good questions, as is almost always the case.  The way I’ve adapted the practice is in the form of a daily check-in. In the quiet of the evening or morning,  I ask myself three key questions:

  • Where have I felt the presence of the holy in my life today?
  • Where have I felt most alive?
  • What do I long for?

The yearnings of the heart are often subtle. It’s a spiritual practice to slow down enough to listen. To attune to this navigational system, I check in with myself during the day, in the middle of my life, using the tried and true Body Compass I learned from Martha Beck. The heart yearns for freedom. When I can locate that in my body, I can move in the direction. But first comes the research. So I slow it down. Write it down. Once a day, I add to the list in my journal.

It’s an amazing practice for clarity. So here’s your invitation.

Ask those three good questions. And listen for your answers.

What if the Food Thing Is Simple?

“It’s just that food…diet…food choices…are so complicated.” This was my stated conviction last week as I began a three-day Eating Peace inquiry retreat with dear friend Grace Bell.

My confusion about nutrition and diet has increased over the years, and that’s saying something given my birthright as a woman and my family issues with overeating . Ever seeking a fix for various bodily challenges (such as carrying twenty extra pounds, mostly on my hips and thighs), I have tried these “deep fixes” in the last ten years alone:

~ I’ve delved into Geneen Roth’s work, including attending two of her famous and powerful Retreats.

~ Hired a nutritionist for a lot of money (whole, plant-based foods are good, it turns out. So is adhering to a diet….say Paleo? Vegan? Raw? It’s a continuum toward enlightenment.)

~ Filled three shelves of valuable bookshelf space with large, heavy books, full of information and prescriptions. Tried every one out for a couple of weeks.

~ Hired a coach who specializes in Compulsion Inquiry to get further under my complex wiring and bring in some deep awareness.

~ Subscribed to various coaching programs from extremely well-known and successful, skilled coaches.

~ Attended Weight Watchers regularly for two years.

~ Ditto for strength training.

~ Done every inquiry-based worksheet I could think of on my body, food, sugar, carbs.

~ Had extensive (and expensive) food-based allergy panels run to catch anything I was missing. More than once.

~ Eliminated gluten for ten years (mostly), dairy, and corn/sugar for the last month.

~ Cleansed this way, that way, the other way. Juiced and Green Smoothied my way through more than one Spring.

It’s a fascinating hobby.

If this were a financial spreadsheet I’d be alarmed at the money I’ve spent (a quick estimate runs easily to 30 grand. And that’s conservative.) The net result has been a fluctuation of maybe ten pounds during that time, except for the 20 pounds I gained (and later lost) eating my way through a family crisis. This is not to say that I haven’t learned from each source. It’s just that the very biggest, most blaring thing I’ve been learning has created a “religion,” as one of my teachers calls it, a core, unexamined belief that I adhere to without knowing it.

Food and eating choices are very complicated. That’s the religion. And there’s been a whole lot of proof to fuel the belief; it’s a puzzle that gets more complex every year as research evolves and trends change. And as it has evolved I have felt more and more powerless over my choices. So for three days last week, I retreated to examine my thinking and my eating up close. I noticed how much time my mind spends searching its database for its current eating plan.  I noticed how elusive the answers seemed. And then how little of what happens in the mind has to do with what really supports this body.

By giving myself permission to eat what I wanted, stop when I was full enough, stay in my process with others who were doing the same, I noticed these things:

~ It doesn’t take much food to go from empty to full enough.

~ Kale is not my body’s friend. Ditto for too much salad. Especially in winter. My mind, following nutritional literature, had been ignoring evidence to the contrary.

So here’s the upshot.  It turns out (ta da!) as I question my old, stale beliefs, and examine a whole bunch of emotional conditioning and wiring:

It is simpleBut not always easy.

I pay attention to what my body wants, make sure I have some of it accessible, eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full. For me right now, that means writing it all down, to avoid my tendency to slip into brain fog.

Every other complicating thing is a feeling or a story or a feeling about a story I created as a part of my religion.

Who am I without all the entertainment that my hobby of fixing my eating and weight problem has given me? On a peaceful path of discovery which involves breathing, staying present, noticing.

Oh yes, and eating.

It’s that simple.

Now . . . A Pause from Self-Improvement

Who is this one who’s convinced she must improve me?

She tramped through the oxalis on a wet January evening, wondering at the recirculating advice device that seemed to be her brain.

A “retreat of solitude.” That’s the way she had described her coming week in the half- collapsed cabin, hunkering up to a leaky wood stove.

“Alone with my own thoughts” she had said. “Away from the breakneck speed of screens, terrorists, presidential candidates. (Really? Him? Again? She thought. That’s reason enough to hide in the woods for two years, not just a week.)

The Wildish Truth

Wild, a film about a young woman’s transformational hike, is causing a fair-sized buzz here in Oregon. Forget the Academy Awards nominations in the actress categories. The author of the book, Cheryl Strayed, is one of us. In her real-life story, portrayed by Reese Witherspoon in the film, she may be ill-prepared and bumbling, but she’s determined. And real. When she’s finally able to lift her ponderous pack at the beginning of the film, it’s somehow familiar. We recognize the determination we can all access when we must bear the unbearable. She’s a pin-up woman for authentic courage, and the local backdoor – from the Pacific Crest trail to the Bridge of the Gods – defines our sense of place.

Starting Close In

To learn a poem by heart is to feel it in my body. To learn a poem by heart is to live with it in my pocket. I’ve long been a fan of Kim Rosen’s book Saved by a Poem. For a time I forgot how it feels to stay close to my own marrow with a poem as my guide.

But sometime a couple of months ago, Irene, one of my beloved yoga teachers, read a David Whyte poem I’d never heard before. (Wonder of wonders!)

When Liminal Time Meets Technology

It’s Epiphany morning. Here’s what I wrote at earliest light, following my purest intentions and my personal tradition of defining Epiphany as a time-out-of-time. Just before a tiny techno glitch grabbed me and shook me by the heels:

I love this liminal time. The time between dark and light. I resist electricity and grope my way by candlelight before meditating each morning.

Major Gratitude for Shelter from the Storm

What’s the difference between major surgery and minor surgery? I’m at a special pre-op session led by the hospital physical therapist. I had no idea. Didn’t care. Hospitals aren’t my thing. I just wanted to get this knee replacement over with without breaking stride in my full life. I know. I missed the irony at that moment, but I get it now. I get the punch line to the joke, too. Minor surgery is someone else’s. Major surgery is mine.

Navigating the Sacred Spiral Path

I’m traveling with my friend Siri, she who is the little sister of Garmin and the daughter of Mapquest, the maker of all directions. Sometimes when I believe her, we go straight from Point A to Point B in the most efficient manner. And sometimes I end up making three left turns when I wanted to go right…or entering a freeway to go to another exit altogether, only to get off and find that I was where I wanted to go just before I got on the freeway in the first place.

Wise in This Lifetime

Last week I made a lovely connection with a young woman by surprise. We were participating in an event where the leader requested my very least favorite group exercise: gazing in the eyes of a stranger.

I realized it would be far easier to drop my opinion and see what happened than to keep my story. As it turned out …(drum roll)…

Slow-Mo Life in Mid-Mo

Last week I made a cross-country plane trek to visit my family in Mid-Missouri. It’s nearly impossible for me to make the trip without leaping into high gear. From the details of preparation beforehand to shuffling bags from car to fight to shuttle, by the time I arrive at my mother’s “gracious adult retirement center,” I leave skid marks.

And then I’m there. With my mother and about a hundred other folks in their eighties and nineties. At first it feels like I’m moving underwater or become a character in a slow motion movie. My mind leaps and bucks at being so tethered. It seeks a job.

The Last Blast of Summer (or of Anything)

It’s October. Last week I built fires in the woodstove to take the nip out of the early mornings. And then the last few days, here it is. Indian Summer. Temperatures in the eighties, hawks soaring above in the balmy breeze. The sun offers its light on a slant, making it feel even more stunning and precious.

And how very precious it is, this Last Blast of Summer. Called by different names in as many cultures, humans have long celebrated this brief but intense return of the warmth of the growing season.

A Mind-Clearing Habit

I have a habit of throat clearing. It seems there’s often a froggy sensation that simply must be cleared. Until the other day, I’d never thought of the possibility of clearing other parts of the body…or the psyche, at least in any kind of routine way.

An idea came up last week when we co-hosted a couple of amazing musicians. Their names are Gina Sala and Daniel Paul. Both are highly respected for kirtan, a kind of meditative music most people associate with yoga classes. Kirtan is sometimes described as “yoga for the voice.”